oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
