I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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