i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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