My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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