Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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