Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
