My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
