i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
