I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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