were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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