dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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