I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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