I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
