I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
