i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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