I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
