Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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