I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
