Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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