This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
