So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
