i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
