I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
