so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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