im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
