Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I am naked and annoyed.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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