Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
