Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
