And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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