OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
