Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
