Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
