Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
