don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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