We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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