I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Boobs speak an international language.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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