I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
