I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it hurts more in the daytime
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
