yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
