dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
