she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
