Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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