I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
