Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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