i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
