I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
