Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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