i permit you to call me
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
