This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
