so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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