the condom got lost in my hair
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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