I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
