I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
